In A Depression Relapse?

In A Depression Relapse?


February 22, 2019

I watched ‘Beautiful Boy‘ last night and it struck a strong chord with me – enough for me to write this post.

If you haven’t watched it yet, it’s based on a true story of a boy, Nic, whose addiction to all sorts of drugs, but particularly meth, threatens his life. Timotheé Chalamet (who plays Nic) is phenomenal as always and the relationship between him and Steve Carell (who plays his dad) is completely moving. I felt broken after finishing the film – especially knowing it was based on true events. I left the film feeling like somehow I could relate to a drug addict.

No, I don’t do drugs nor do I have a dependency on any substances. So, where is the correlation to depression? I found myself watching Nic struggle with the desire to relapse each time he had been sober for a significant period of time. The draw was too strong for him to resist yet, inevitably, he found himself wanting so badly to get clean again and begging for help in doing so. He was in agony and felt completely helpless. He accepted the fact that he was a let-down to those who loved him and had given up trying to win their acceptance back.

Slipping in and out of bad depression spouts seems very much like a relapse from an addiction – perhaps the addiction is happiness? A high in life that is so short lived that I inevitably slip back into a deep slump. I want so badly to be rid of depression but keep finding myself here time and time again. Each time life seems to be going well, I convince myself that it’s too good to be true and that something is about to turn my world upside down – as I deserve…

The pull is too strong and I struggle to resist it. Why do I keep finding myself here so frequently and why can I not seem to overcome it once and for all? Will I ever? There are so many people who struggle with serious mental health issues their whole lives and never find themselves back to a state of happiness. Am I one of them? I certainly hope not.

I can point to a few reasons why I’m unhappy and insecure, yet, I haven’t rid them from my life. Why? It’s as if I’m a glutton for punishment. I’m only able to muster up a few small changes at a time and yet the desire to be happy (whatever that means) is just as strong and seems far less attainable.

Currently, my dark place feels like a particularly lonely relapse. I feel more lost in this world than I ever have and my passions aren’t correlating to happiness like I had hoped they would. But… big BUT, I’m taking one day… no, one minute at a time. Each minute of each day feels wildly different. I’ve found myself getting more creative to hide my true feelings from others as a way of masking my pain without having to divulge my worries to those who have enough going on in their lives. 

Focusing on keeping a more even-keeled lifestyle is a new goal of mine. The peaks and valleys are too volatile to live through.

Apologies for the ramble. Making this connection last night sent me into a frenzy and I’ve needed to put these thoughts down. Because, if someone who struggles with depression only just made this realization after almost a decade of pain, others surely might not have seen the correlation. 

 

And breathe.

 

Much love,

Saffy

xxx

4 Comments

  • Rogelio Rivero Coronado
    February 22, 2019

    Hi Sam, firstly thank you for posting as I know for experience that it takes a whole lot of courage to share something so personal and difficult.

    I can relate to depression relapses, it has been a year since I first noticed I have this mental condition and have had some dark days more often than I wanted to but every time it get’s easier if you do the work (and I’m very sure you are on a great path already!).

    One key thing that has helped me inmensely is meditating 5 minutes every morning as it helps connecting yourself with the true reality rather than what your thoughts assign it to be. Also, working on the concept of happiness (true happiness is peace, not needing really anything else other than loving the very nature of yourself which is existing) and working on being independent of whichever actions or thoughts any other person have on you ( you are not what other people think, you are indeed Perfect, you are what you decide to, you are being right now and thats magic!). These basic concepts are being the center of my attention right now and I think they have improved my understanding by a long margin.

    Hope it helps, and of course thank you for being a strong motivation for me to overcome this situation in my life. I wish you only the best, lots of hugs for you and Eddie! <3

    Please continue to pursue your deepest dreams and doing the things you most love.

    Your friend, Rog.

    • simplysaffy
      February 24, 2019

      Rog,

      Wow – thank you SO much for writing to me here. Hearing about your struggle makes me sad and makes me want to reach out and give you a MASSIVE hug to make it all better. You’re such a bright light in everyone’s world and I’m glad that you’re taking these steps to get happier and healthier! I’ve implemented a few practices in my days to try and get on the right path but it seems that I need to do consistent practices to really make a difference. Meditation is one that I want to do but just don’t make it a priority and I really should because I’ve heard (including from you!) how beneficial it really is for our mental health. Thank you for sharing your journey with me, mi amigo. I want to be here for you as you go through your journey – we can support one another from afar because it really does make a huge difference.

      Sending our love right back to you! <3

      XXX

  • Dorothy Lilley
    February 24, 2019

    Once again, your bravery comes through. I would stay away from sad movies for a time. Go for a walk, bike ride, a hike in the woods. Fresh air can clear our minds from cobwebs. Bring clarity to us that life is truly wonderful. Our friends, family, or just a smile on a strangers face can lift us to a beautiful place. Love you girl – Dorothy : )

    • simplysaffy
      February 24, 2019

      You’re absolutely right. It doesn’t help to keep going back to these sad movies, songs, etc. This weekend I’ve made it a point to get out the house and in nature and sure enough – I feel SO much better for it! This needs to be more of a priority for me. Thank you for always supporting me in everything!

      :* <3

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